I am a strong person (or so I’ve been told). I guess I’ve always been somewhat forthright…stubborn even. As a teenager, I went head to head with my parents when I thought they were unfair. I led the fight for a new high school building despite the older generation’s disdain of the high taxes that would result (much to my poor mother’s dismay). I waddled into a Mrsa-infested hospital room with my eight months pregnant belly (against everyone’s pleading) so that I could say goodbye to my grandmother who I knew would not be alive in five weeks to meet her first great grandchild. I didn’t shed a tear at her funeral in an effort to remain calm for my unborn baby. Most recently, I was the voice of reason when my dad began to show signs of a brain tumor. I helped my mom make the decision to cease medical help that would prolong his suffering. I watched him die slowly. I said goodbye without falling apart. Is that strong? Maybe. Not brave though. The truth is, I may be strong, but I’m not brave. Not even a little bit.
The movie, Bounce, is one of those feel-good films that I’m okay seeing one time. In the midst of the sappy storyline though, there is a gem of a quote. The main character says, “It’s not brave if you’re not scared.” Wow! See, I may have a strong personality, but that is intrinsic in me. I stand up against injustice. I fight for relationships. If I get on board for a cause, I’m all in. Ask me to do something that frightens me though; I won’t. I simply won’t. That is because I am not brave. When my youngest son, Tadan, was learning how to ride a bike, he took quite a spill. My advice to him? Get right back on (after the bandaids of course). I’m a total hypocrite! When I was fourteen, I fell off my bike and tore everything in my knee. I was on and off crutches for about two years. I have not been on a bike since.
If you paid me a million dollars, I would not jump out of an airplane. I won’t ride a motorcycle. I still won’t let my nine year old ride more than a quarter of a mile down the road by himself. See, I weigh the risk. If I fear the possible negative outcome, I simply bail.
I’m not scared to tell a person he offended me. I’m not afraid to stand up for a person who is treated unfairly. I’m not frightened to be creative, or begin a project, or cast vision, or protect my children. Those things are instinctive – a part of me. Strength is not bravery. But, I am petrified of even the IDEA of bungee jumping. It would be brave (and stupid, I think) for me to do so. After all, it’s only brave if I’m scared.
Yesterday, I was reading my Real Simple magazine (full of ideas that are anything but simple), and saw an ad for an essay contest with the topic, “The Bravest Thing I’ve Ever Done”. I thought about that for a while. When was the last time I looked fear in the face and overcame it? I suppose I was pretty scared of singing on stage in front of people as a child so by the time I was a junior in high school, it was truly a brave thing for me to get up on there during a talent show and sing. Big deal. And seriously, is that the most recent event I can come up with? Twenty years ago?! Are you kidding??!!
I suppose that some could make the argument that being a teacher is brave. Let’s face it, it’s not exactly a safe job anymore. I know that “en loco parentis” means that I have a responsibility to care for and protect each student with my life. I’m okay with that. I know that it comes naturally to me to put myself in harm’s way for a child if need be. That’s strong – not brave. Innate strength is not the same as courage.
I thought and thought about what I would write about if I was to enter this essay contest. What IS the bravest thing I’ve ever done? I have spent the past twenty-four hours mulling this over and I’ve come to one very important conclusion. I have not done anything brave. By being strong, I’ve convinced a lot of people that I am courageous. The fact is, I am probably most scared of admitting that I am not. I want people to think I am. The truth is though, if I am afraid of something, I will avoid it at all costs.
So, with that said, I will do my first truly brave thing. I will admit to you that I am not brave. Not even close.
sherrywho 